Oklahoma has always been my home.
I've never lived anywhere but here.
The older I get though, the more wanderlust I aquire.
I just put my baby (Harley Iron883) up for the season, and I'm already getting antsy.
The weather is getting colder, the days getting shorter, and slowly my heart's getting mended.
The months are going by so quickly now.
I've never smiled, laughed, drank, conversed, cried, and rejoiced so much in my life.
But there always comes a time in your life where you meet that crossroads.
I think I'm staring at that 'V' in the road right now, squinting at the horizon to try and see what's just past my line of sight.
Some interesting things are in store for me, I can feel it.
Stay tuned.
Friday, November 8, 2013
Friday, October 4, 2013
Adjusting
Just a random update.
It takes a while for one to adjust to so much freedom.
Jodi Foster’s character in Silence of the Lambs tells Hannibal of her time on a distant relation’s farm; how she tried to release the lambs from being slaughtered, but they wouldn’t flee, the fence was open, but they just stood there. They were so accustomed to the captivity they didn’t know or want anything else.
That’s a morbid comparison, but since its October you should allow me certain liberties.
Although it looked (on Facebook and this blog) that I just went wild after the divorce and was having a blast doing anything and everything I could, in reality I was floundering a bit.
I think it helped me to stay busy with nonsense in order to not come to terms with the changes and responsibilities of being alone for the first time in nearly 7 years.
It is exactly that, lonely.
You roll over in bed, and realize you can roll over two more times if you want.
You sit on the couch and have sole control over the remote.
You ride around on your Harley and have no distractions but your thoughts, the fresh air, and the sunshine.
These may sound like positive things, and they are, but they come with a price.
Divorce is not fun, it’s not a picnic, and there are so many emotions going through you, all you can do is ride them out.
I think one of the worst things about divorce is realizing that you can only depend on yourself for strength and support.
Don’t get me wrong, without Jen’s and my family’s support I’m not sure what I would have done, but in the end you go home to an empty apartment and all there is, is silence.
One of the weirdest things about divorce is other people’s reactions to it, the questions, and the fallout. My family pretty much prefers to ignore the whole event, although if either my sister’s husband or my father were to accidentally meet my ex again, I’m not sure everyone would come out of it unscathed. I’ll have you know I did nothing to encourage that, but I strangely take comfort in it. My friends all expect me to badmouth. I’m supposed to be the slighted party, and they are supposed to be biased for me. But we all still work together, and they still have to maintain friendships with him, so I can’t live up to that expectation. When coworkers or friends actually ask the question why, I mostly just differ to the old, “we grew apart,” explanation. Not just to help him or I save face on the job, but because they all tend to get that glassy, glazed-over look if you actually start to explain with some depth.
There is only one person who knows the whole story, probably both sides even, because she was front and center. Maybe someday someone will want to REALLY get to know me I’ll tell the real story, the messy one, the one Jen knows, no holding back, and they will actually be interested. The glassy eyes will be because of heartfelt concern and empathy instead of boredom.
For now, I’m working my ass off, and going back to school.
I’m getting really comfortable with rolling as much as I like in my bed at night.
Being able to commandeer the remote is a privilege I enjoy immensely.
And taking leisurely morning rides unaccompanied on my new Harley are one of the keenest pleasures I have known.
I’d like to think that if Jodi Foster had the time to wait a bit longer on the lambs, instead of grabbing one and taking off running, she would have seen one slowly ease of the pen, look around wearily at first, but then lope off towards the mountains.
It takes a while for one to adjust to so much freedom.
Jodi Foster’s character in Silence of the Lambs tells Hannibal of her time on a distant relation’s farm; how she tried to release the lambs from being slaughtered, but they wouldn’t flee, the fence was open, but they just stood there. They were so accustomed to the captivity they didn’t know or want anything else.
That’s a morbid comparison, but since its October you should allow me certain liberties.
Although it looked (on Facebook and this blog) that I just went wild after the divorce and was having a blast doing anything and everything I could, in reality I was floundering a bit.
I think it helped me to stay busy with nonsense in order to not come to terms with the changes and responsibilities of being alone for the first time in nearly 7 years.
It is exactly that, lonely.
You roll over in bed, and realize you can roll over two more times if you want.
You sit on the couch and have sole control over the remote.
You ride around on your Harley and have no distractions but your thoughts, the fresh air, and the sunshine.
These may sound like positive things, and they are, but they come with a price.
Divorce is not fun, it’s not a picnic, and there are so many emotions going through you, all you can do is ride them out.
I think one of the worst things about divorce is realizing that you can only depend on yourself for strength and support.
Don’t get me wrong, without Jen’s and my family’s support I’m not sure what I would have done, but in the end you go home to an empty apartment and all there is, is silence.
One of the weirdest things about divorce is other people’s reactions to it, the questions, and the fallout. My family pretty much prefers to ignore the whole event, although if either my sister’s husband or my father were to accidentally meet my ex again, I’m not sure everyone would come out of it unscathed. I’ll have you know I did nothing to encourage that, but I strangely take comfort in it. My friends all expect me to badmouth. I’m supposed to be the slighted party, and they are supposed to be biased for me. But we all still work together, and they still have to maintain friendships with him, so I can’t live up to that expectation. When coworkers or friends actually ask the question why, I mostly just differ to the old, “we grew apart,” explanation. Not just to help him or I save face on the job, but because they all tend to get that glassy, glazed-over look if you actually start to explain with some depth.
There is only one person who knows the whole story, probably both sides even, because she was front and center. Maybe someday someone will want to REALLY get to know me I’ll tell the real story, the messy one, the one Jen knows, no holding back, and they will actually be interested. The glassy eyes will be because of heartfelt concern and empathy instead of boredom.
For now, I’m working my ass off, and going back to school.
I’m getting really comfortable with rolling as much as I like in my bed at night.
Being able to commandeer the remote is a privilege I enjoy immensely.
And taking leisurely morning rides unaccompanied on my new Harley are one of the keenest pleasures I have known.
I’d like to think that if Jodi Foster had the time to wait a bit longer on the lambs, instead of grabbing one and taking off running, she would have seen one slowly ease of the pen, look around wearily at first, but then lope off towards the mountains.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Alcoholic Musings of Brilliance
You never showed at the festival. Or at least the Universe didn't let us collide. Perhaps next year...
We've both mentioned how fun it would have been had we both been single at the same time, possibly able to live together or have the opportunity to go out together more. On Friday night on our way home, we settled into our easy conversation, grabbing Taco Bueno with the midnight snack cravings. We have this way with each other. Its very comforting to be able to express oneself openly about anything and have no worry about judgement. Once again we reminisced about the fun evening of drinking and music, and wished we could do it more often. She suddenly stopped and looked pensive for a moment. Then said something along the lines of , 'I think it worked out this way because we were exactly what the other person needed at the moment they needed it.' Which struck me in my post drunken, late night, munchy, chatty, starting-to-get-sleepy stupor (the exact moment when the brilliance shines through), that she hit the nail on the head. Had we both been in the middle of a divorce, who would have been the stronghold? We would have both been emotional wrecks, and just dragged each other down. It helped to go over late at night and cry on her shoulder, and see the life she was able to make for herself on the other side of a divorce: The wonderful loving husband, and the beautiful baby in the next room. It gives me hope. I hate to say it, but even though I'm older, she's kind of my mentor in a lot of ways. Even though no one can claim to be perfect or have it all figured out, she seems to have a pretty good idea. I'm fortunate to call her my best friend.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
It depends...
I think I've mentioned on a post by post basis how much of a dork I am.
At least I hope that my dorkiness is somewhat endearing.
A woman in my department turned 50 last week. We all decided to get her gag gifts. They of course pick me to buy the most ridiculous gift, the adult diapers, DEPENDS. I didn't care really, said sure. I go to the store that night also intending on buying my groceries. Now as a little back story I think its hilarious buying stuff like that, and sure I do get embarrassed when I have to purchase certain items occasionally, but at this point in my life I've pretty much owned up to my un-cool status. I love to be in the Pharmacy line, which happens to be directly next to the condom display and watch for the teenagers that do a quick pass over, then come back and snag a box of condoms as quickly as possible. It tickles me pink. But on this particular trip I saw three, I repeat (3) of my coworkers. By the end of my grocery trip I purposefully buried that bag so far at the bottom of my cart it was practically on the ground. I can only wonder what those people must think of me.
The story and my embarrassment doesn't end there.
The next day I get a little of a late start and rush inside the building juggling my purse, a folder of papers I'd worked on the night before, a to-go coffee mug full of hot coffee, and the now wrapped(I guess bagged is the correct term) gift. At 11:30 we all take the gifts and cake and surprise her with them. The joking and harassing is endless, it's almost too much. She has a walker, denture cream, hemorrhoid cream, etc. Everyone is ragging on how old she is. She gets to my gift, and everyone laughs it up, but she reaches in again, and pulls out MY CAR KEYS. Everyone is confused for a second and I try to think of some joke to play it off as planned. Nope. Got nothing. They must have fallen in when I was juggling my stuff that morning.
I awkwardly step forward to ask for my keys back, and the group goes wild with laughter. "Who really needs those depends?!" OMG. I think my face was as red as an apple, and I reverted mentally to a toddler, just pouting while I took a verbal smack down like you wouldn't believe. She even placed HER walker in front of me. I was one step away from stomping my foot in a tantrum. The meanies.
At least I got cake....
So how dorky am I, well, it DEPENDS...
-pun intended
\m/
At least I hope that my dorkiness is somewhat endearing.
A woman in my department turned 50 last week. We all decided to get her gag gifts. They of course pick me to buy the most ridiculous gift, the adult diapers, DEPENDS. I didn't care really, said sure. I go to the store that night also intending on buying my groceries. Now as a little back story I think its hilarious buying stuff like that, and sure I do get embarrassed when I have to purchase certain items occasionally, but at this point in my life I've pretty much owned up to my un-cool status. I love to be in the Pharmacy line, which happens to be directly next to the condom display and watch for the teenagers that do a quick pass over, then come back and snag a box of condoms as quickly as possible. It tickles me pink. But on this particular trip I saw three, I repeat (3) of my coworkers. By the end of my grocery trip I purposefully buried that bag so far at the bottom of my cart it was practically on the ground. I can only wonder what those people must think of me.
The story and my embarrassment doesn't end there.
The next day I get a little of a late start and rush inside the building juggling my purse, a folder of papers I'd worked on the night before, a to-go coffee mug full of hot coffee, and the now wrapped(I guess bagged is the correct term) gift. At 11:30 we all take the gifts and cake and surprise her with them. The joking and harassing is endless, it's almost too much. She has a walker, denture cream, hemorrhoid cream, etc. Everyone is ragging on how old she is. She gets to my gift, and everyone laughs it up, but she reaches in again, and pulls out MY CAR KEYS. Everyone is confused for a second and I try to think of some joke to play it off as planned. Nope. Got nothing. They must have fallen in when I was juggling my stuff that morning.
I awkwardly step forward to ask for my keys back, and the group goes wild with laughter. "Who really needs those depends?!" OMG. I think my face was as red as an apple, and I reverted mentally to a toddler, just pouting while I took a verbal smack down like you wouldn't believe. She even placed HER walker in front of me. I was one step away from stomping my foot in a tantrum. The meanies.
At least I got cake....
So how dorky am I, well, it DEPENDS...
-pun intended
\m/
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
The American Dream
You know what they say about music being therapy for all different types of moods. On my way to work I have the radio playing when Rise Against "Satellite" comes on. I've heard this song dozens of times, but for some reason never really listened to the lyrics. I turned it up really loud and the poetry really spoke to me (cheesy but true).
~
You can't feel the heat until you hold your hand over the flame
You have to cross the line just to remember where it lays
You won't know your worth now, son, until you take a hit
And you won't find the beat until you lose yourself in it
That's why we won't back down
We won't run and hide
Yeah, 'cause these are the things that we can't deny
I'm passing over you like a satellite
So catch me if I fall
That's why we stick to your game plans and party lives
But at night we're conspiring by candlelight
We are the orphans of the American dream
So shine your light on me
You can't fill your cup until you empty all it has
You can't understand what lays ahead
If you don't understand the past
You'll never learn to fly now
'Til you're standing at the cliff
And you can't truly love until you've given up on it
That's why we won't back down
We won't run and hide
Yeah, 'cause these are the things that we can't deny
I'm passing over you like a satellite
So catch me if I fall
That's why we stick to your game plans and party lives
But at night we're conspiring by candlelight
We are the orphans of the American dream
So shine your light on me
She told me that she never could face the world again
So I offered up a plan
We'll sneak out while they sleep
And sail off in the night.
We'll come clean and start over the rest of our lives.
When we're gone we'll stay gone.
Out of sight, out of mind.
It's not too late,
We have the rest of our lives.
We'll sneak out while they sleep
And sail off in the night
We'll come clean and start over the rest of our lives
When we're gone we'll stay gone.
Out of sight, out of mind.
It's not too late,
We have the rest of our lives.
The rest of our lives
Because we won't back down
We won't run and hide
Yeah, 'cause these are the things that we can't deny
I'm passing over you like a satellite
So catch me if I fall
That's why we stick to your game plans and party lives
But at night we're conspiring by candlelight
We are the orphans of the American dream
So shine your light on me (shine your light on me)
Because we won't back down
We won't run and hide
Yeah, 'cause these are the things that we can't deny
I'm passing over you like a satellite
'cause these are the things that we can't deny now
This is a life that you can't deny us now
~
I feel like I haven't really started living until recently. I've lived my life with this sheltered attitude, the real me only occasionally peeking out with a tattoo here or there or a tipsy Melody getting over being shy and having a blast. I'm finally on the right track. I'm enjoying my freedom, traveling a lot, in school to finish my degree.
One night last week I laid in bed for hours thinking about what exactly 'I' wanted to do with myself. I decided that when I finish school in a year or so from now, I'm going on the road "Easy Rider" style.
I'm going to reward myself after graduation with a few weeks of vacation on the open road. My ex sold my motorcycle, but I'll buy one. Pack a bag with a few essentials, a sleeping bag, and go. Jen is a little weary I might never come back if I go full biker. Mostly I just want to see the country. People are always talking about backpacking through Europe when I really haven't seen much of my own country. Just head out and turn left, when you can't go any further then turn right. I've made up my mind. No one can change it. I'm sure my parents will worry about the safety aspects of being a woman and alone, but I won't be swayed.
I'm already compiling a list of places I definitely want to see.
Perhaps I'll chronicle the trip here on this blog for all of you to enjoy.
\m/
~
You can't feel the heat until you hold your hand over the flame
You have to cross the line just to remember where it lays
You won't know your worth now, son, until you take a hit
And you won't find the beat until you lose yourself in it
That's why we won't back down
We won't run and hide
Yeah, 'cause these are the things that we can't deny
I'm passing over you like a satellite
So catch me if I fall
That's why we stick to your game plans and party lives
But at night we're conspiring by candlelight
We are the orphans of the American dream
So shine your light on me
You can't fill your cup until you empty all it has
You can't understand what lays ahead
If you don't understand the past
You'll never learn to fly now
'Til you're standing at the cliff
And you can't truly love until you've given up on it
That's why we won't back down
We won't run and hide
Yeah, 'cause these are the things that we can't deny
I'm passing over you like a satellite
So catch me if I fall
That's why we stick to your game plans and party lives
But at night we're conspiring by candlelight
We are the orphans of the American dream
So shine your light on me
She told me that she never could face the world again
So I offered up a plan
We'll sneak out while they sleep
And sail off in the night.
We'll come clean and start over the rest of our lives.
When we're gone we'll stay gone.
Out of sight, out of mind.
It's not too late,
We have the rest of our lives.
We'll sneak out while they sleep
And sail off in the night
We'll come clean and start over the rest of our lives
When we're gone we'll stay gone.
Out of sight, out of mind.
It's not too late,
We have the rest of our lives.
The rest of our lives
Because we won't back down
We won't run and hide
Yeah, 'cause these are the things that we can't deny
I'm passing over you like a satellite
So catch me if I fall
That's why we stick to your game plans and party lives
But at night we're conspiring by candlelight
We are the orphans of the American dream
So shine your light on me (shine your light on me)
Because we won't back down
We won't run and hide
Yeah, 'cause these are the things that we can't deny
I'm passing over you like a satellite
'cause these are the things that we can't deny now
This is a life that you can't deny us now
~
I feel like I haven't really started living until recently. I've lived my life with this sheltered attitude, the real me only occasionally peeking out with a tattoo here or there or a tipsy Melody getting over being shy and having a blast. I'm finally on the right track. I'm enjoying my freedom, traveling a lot, in school to finish my degree.
One night last week I laid in bed for hours thinking about what exactly 'I' wanted to do with myself. I decided that when I finish school in a year or so from now, I'm going on the road "Easy Rider" style.
I'm already compiling a list of places I definitely want to see.
Perhaps I'll chronicle the trip here on this blog for all of you to enjoy.
\m/
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Houston...There is no problem...
This weekend Grayson & I took a trip to Houston for the Free Press Summer Festival, this SOLDOUT music festival nestled in Downtown Houston's Eleanor Tinsley Park with 87 bands playing on 6 stages pretty much constantly over 2 days.
To say this was a concert is the understatement of the century. It was 10x the size of Rocklahoma from the weekend before.
We started the weekend off on Friday after work. I met Grayson at her loft and dropped off my car and we road tripped it down to Houston that night, arriving around 1a.m. to our hotel the Houston Marriott Downtown. We slept in until around 10, and got up and ate some lunch. Braving the Houston downtown traffic was a nightmare for two small town Oklahoma girls. We pretty much white knuckled our way a few miles down the road. We saw a cute little tattoo shop downtown and decided to go and have a look before we went to the festival, seeing as the first band we were really wanting to see wasn't until 5ish. We walked in and they told us they could tattoo us both for $20. We couldn't turn that down.
They mostly just wanted to flirt, and he wouldn't even take my tip. We promised next time we were in town we'd go by and see him. ;)
We valeted the car back at our hotel (everything is valet in fancy schmancy Houston) and walked the 8 blocks to the festival that day.
We moved across all 6 stages, and saw: Alabama Shakes, Arctic Monkeys, 2 Chainz, Passion Pit, and ended the night with Calvin Harris.
Day 2 started with me jumping on Grayson's bed to wake her up around 10. I was hoping to get in a little Houston culture other than the festival (ie The Space Center -cause I'm a science dork) but Gray was really dragging. I don't blame her, we'd already braved the whole afternoon in the 95° weather yesterday. Finally got her up and around and we checked out at noon. She wasn't really into the whole science geekery, but I managed to talk her into the aquarium, which was only a few blocks away. We had lunch at the restaurant there, and talked her into the shark tour.
Then walked back to the festival and saw some really great bands:
Mavis Staples, Cat Power (one of my faves), Of Monsters and Men, Macklemore, Grace Potter and the Nocturnals (THE BEST), Social Distortion, and Bassnectar.
Have to say getting to see Cat Power was really awesome. Apparently she's had a rough year, usually cancels or doesn't show up to gigs. She looked cracked out on something, mumbling in between songs and almost crying at one point, but the way she sang was amazing. And I hate to say it, but I wouldn't be surprised if she passed soon, and I feel privileged to have seen her. Grace Potter and the Nocturnals were the best of the whole weekend. She was energetic and amazing. They covered Black Sabbath's War Pigs, and the crowd was so into it, the energy was a literal buzzing. We drove back that night after Bassnectar's rave, and made it back to Pryor at 5 a.m. on Monday morning, jamming out in the car the whole way to keep each other awake. Poor Grayson had to work, but I took the day off, and spent it napping by the apt pool, reading, and had a late lunch with JEN.
Who's going with me next year?
We started the weekend off on Friday after work. I met Grayson at her loft and dropped off my car and we road tripped it down to Houston that night, arriving around 1a.m. to our hotel the Houston Marriott Downtown. We slept in until around 10, and got up and ate some lunch. Braving the Houston downtown traffic was a nightmare for two small town Oklahoma girls. We pretty much white knuckled our way a few miles down the road. We saw a cute little tattoo shop downtown and decided to go and have a look before we went to the festival, seeing as the first band we were really wanting to see wasn't until 5ish. We walked in and they told us they could tattoo us both for $20. We couldn't turn that down.
We valeted the car back at our hotel (everything is valet in fancy schmancy Houston) and walked the 8 blocks to the festival that day.
We moved across all 6 stages, and saw: Alabama Shakes, Arctic Monkeys, 2 Chainz, Passion Pit, and ended the night with Calvin Harris.
Day 2 started with me jumping on Grayson's bed to wake her up around 10. I was hoping to get in a little Houston culture other than the festival (ie The Space Center -cause I'm a science dork) but Gray was really dragging. I don't blame her, we'd already braved the whole afternoon in the 95° weather yesterday. Finally got her up and around and we checked out at noon. She wasn't really into the whole science geekery, but I managed to talk her into the aquarium, which was only a few blocks away. We had lunch at the restaurant there, and talked her into the shark tour.
Mavis Staples, Cat Power (one of my faves), Of Monsters and Men, Macklemore, Grace Potter and the Nocturnals (THE BEST), Social Distortion, and Bassnectar.
Have to say getting to see Cat Power was really awesome. Apparently she's had a rough year, usually cancels or doesn't show up to gigs. She looked cracked out on something, mumbling in between songs and almost crying at one point, but the way she sang was amazing. And I hate to say it, but I wouldn't be surprised if she passed soon, and I feel privileged to have seen her. Grace Potter and the Nocturnals were the best of the whole weekend. She was energetic and amazing. They covered Black Sabbath's War Pigs, and the crowd was so into it, the energy was a literal buzzing. We drove back that night after Bassnectar's rave, and made it back to Pryor at 5 a.m. on Monday morning, jamming out in the car the whole way to keep each other awake. Poor Grayson had to work, but I took the day off, and spent it napping by the apt pool, reading, and had a late lunch with JEN.
Who's going with me next year?
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