Adjusting

Just a random update.
It takes a while for one to adjust to so much freedom.

Jodi Foster’s character in Silence of the Lambs tells Hannibal of her time on a distant relation’s farm; how she tried to release the lambs from being slaughtered, but they wouldn’t flee, the fence was open, but they just stood there. They were so accustomed to the captivity they didn’t know or want anything else.

That’s a morbid comparison, but since its October you should allow me certain liberties.

Although it looked (on Facebook and this blog) that I just went wild after the divorce and was having a blast doing anything and everything I could, in reality I was floundering a bit.

I think it helped me to stay busy with nonsense in order to not come to terms with the changes and responsibilities of being alone for the first time in nearly 7 years.
It is exactly that, lonely.
You roll over in bed, and realize you can roll over two more times if you want.
You sit on the couch and have sole control over the remote.
You ride around on your Harley and have no distractions but your thoughts, the fresh air, and the sunshine.

These may sound like positive things, and they are, but they come with a price.

Divorce is not fun, it’s not a picnic, and there are so many emotions going through you, all you can do is ride them out.

I think one of the worst things about divorce is realizing that you can only depend on yourself for strength and support.
Don’t get me wrong, without Jen’s and my family’s support I’m not sure what I would have done, but in the end you go home to an empty apartment and all there is, is silence.

One of the weirdest things about divorce is other people’s reactions to it, the questions, and the fallout. My family pretty much prefers to ignore the whole event, although if either my sister’s husband or my father were to accidentally meet my ex again, I’m not sure everyone would come out of it unscathed. I’ll have you know I did nothing to encourage that, but I strangely take comfort in it. My friends all expect me to badmouth. I’m supposed to be the slighted party, and they are supposed to be biased for me. But we all still work together, and they still have to maintain friendships with him, so I can’t live up to that expectation. When coworkers or friends actually ask the question why, I mostly just differ to the old, “we grew apart,” explanation. Not just to help him or I save face on the job, but because they all tend to get that glassy, glazed-over look if you actually start to explain with some depth.

There is only one person who knows the whole story, probably both sides even, because she was front and center. Maybe someday someone will want to REALLY get to know me I’ll tell the real story, the messy one, the one Jen knows, no holding back, and they will actually be interested. The glassy eyes will be because of heartfelt concern and empathy instead of boredom.

For now, I’m working my ass off, and going back to school.
I’m getting really comfortable with rolling as much as I like in my bed at night.
Being able to commandeer the remote is a privilege I enjoy immensely.
And taking leisurely morning rides unaccompanied on my new Harley are one of the keenest pleasures I have known.

I’d like to think that if Jodi Foster had the time to wait a bit longer on the lambs, instead of grabbing one and taking off running, she would have seen one slowly ease of the pen, look around wearily at first, but then lope off towards the mountains.