I'm taking this post to analyze myself today.
Its become increasingly clear that I have some sort of overcompensation issues. Its kind of like a feminine napoleon complex. I've grown seeking out the male dominated areas of life.
Not for some psycho-sexual reasons, but for the need to prove to myself and everyone around me that I can do as much, and/or, just as well, as a man. My father was the root of this, I just know it.
It started with me having to prove myself to him as being as tough/or as good as a son would have been. I sought out his approval and only seemed to gain a small portion of it by excelling at all things masculine. I worked outside with him doing manual labor, roofed, mowed, dug, climbed, built, and tore down. I was a tom-boy. This isn't a rare thing. I'm sure Jen can relate. Having a tough father, makes us tough. The few times I did receive some sort of praise, or attention was after I completed some arduous task that most would akin to a man's job.
Thus started my competitive nature. I had to excel. Nothing less would do. I absolutely hate not being good at something, most specifically sports. 11 years of soccer followed, tournaments and competitions monopolized my life. I liked to get dirty, let out aggression, and I liked to win. What else was there?
I then proceeded to get involved with the School band. I remember the day in 5th grade quite clearly. We all got to pick what instrument we would like to play for the next 7 years. All the girls in my class went to the lines for the flutes and clarinets. This automatically made me dislike them, because if all the other girls were doing them, then it was too easy.
I picked the line with all the boys. I picked the trumpet. The section that was 90% percent dominated by boys. Something down deep in me needed to conquer this as well, just so I would know that I was as good as the boys. There were never more than 2 or three girls in the trumpet section, even as it progressed into high school. I became known as the trumpet mama. And as I got older it seemed that being in Male dominated groups turned out to be in my favor. I not only got along better with guys than I did with girls, I also got more opportunities to date.
These weird tendencies died off when I got to college. I became more independent and got to know myself. I was more comfortable just being me, instead of trying to top everyone.
Recently I noticed that I am again trying to prove myself. I think it has to do with the situation I find myself in. I'm 24, been married for 3 years, and working in a male dominated profession. HVAC/Engineering/Production. My husband is an engineer, and I am constantly trying to prove to him that I am as smart as he is. Which probably isn't so, and never will be. But I hate feeling inferior. Especially when the wife is expected to clean the house, do the dishes, cook, and also keep a full time job, while the husband just gets to sit around at home after work. This is how Joe believes the world works, and its caused much distress on our marriage. He must like a challenge.
So I just recently got a conceal carry license, and just not two days ago bought a ninja 250cc motorcycle. I'm doing it again. I'm trying to be one of the guys. Lord help me... I enjoy it! I like my bike, and I like guns, dirt, and the lake, and comic books. I like camping out, and hiking and fishing. Why is it that these things are considered boy things?
I think I'm normal, and the world is F-ed up.
Okay, maybe not..... \m/
